Honesty is such a lonely word...

SPOILER ALERT: Do not read unless you've finished page 773 in VOYAGER.

When I'm deep inside of me don't be too concerned. I won't ask for nothin' while I'm gone. But when I want sincerity tell me where else can I turn? Because you're the one that I depend upon.  ~Billy Joel
 

Jamie Fraser is flawed. And I'm having a hard time with it, Sassenachs.

I am going to post an email I just sent to Tracey - my sister and Outlander "mentor" - and Jenn M who is reading closely alongside me - page for page - as I read the series. Why? Because I'm just that spent from the emotional events of this evening's chapter... and I just can't write it all down again. Follow along if you will, keeping in mind that it was I who defended Jamie Fraser to the death when both Tracey and Jenn were so mad at him for not telling Claire about Laoghaire.

I am on page 774 - the first page of Chapter 60. Just got finished the gut-wrenching section of Mr. Willoughby (possibly?) killing that woman (I don't believe it - and now how is Jamie going to travel by boat again???)  - and Claire seeing Jamie with John Grey - and Claire hearing the truth about Willie, first from John and then from Jamie.

I have knots in my stomach. 

When there are sexy parts, the thing that makes them so great is that I feel like they're happening to me.

But finding out the truth about Jamie's past feels like it's happening to me, too. 

I feel betrayed. I feel like he should have told her so long ago. I feel like he wussed out - again. And all of these times of wussing out are adding up to one, big non-trustworthy guy. I totally disagreed when Claire told him "because you're an honest man, Jamie Fraser." I don't feel like he's so honest right now. I feel like there is too much I don't know about him and honest to god - if I were Claire, I'd need to get away from him for a while. I'd need space and I'd need to sort out my feelings and see if I even was able to be with him on a permanent basis. He's just so full of crazy stories right now - I can't even breathe around him.

The knots have been in my stomach ever since Claire saw the embrace between Jamie and John. I literally felt sick for pages and pages, not knowing wtf was going on with them. I guess I can get past it - because, honestly, if I had a friend who was in love with me - and she showed me a picture of my son who I wasn't able to lay claim to - one whom she was raising for me - I'd hug her fervently, too. And I'd think nothing of it. So why should the fact that they're men make the situation any different?

But - Geneva. Sigh. I'm so upset. Why didn't he tell her everything? I am sick over the fact that he didn't use the phrase "only one night". That would have helped. For all she knows, he was screwing her for months. All the while not even being in love with her. Why didn't he tell her she blackmailed him? I don't get it. I really don't.

I just... need a break. I need a break from Jamie Fraser. So help me god I want to put this book down right now and not pick it up again for a while. Because I'm hurt. And I'm sad. And most of all I feel like I don't know him; and that is the scariest part of all.

(Drama Queen, party of 1????)

It has hit me after sitting here thinking about it. Claire should not have had to see that embrace. Jamie put her in an awkward position by taking her to that house, knowing John Grey would be there, and knowing she was in the dark about everything. He should have told her. And I understand that he didn't know JG was going to give him the photo... and it was emotional for him. But still. That doesn't make it right. I'm pissed. He. Should. Have. Told. Her. She did not deserve to spend her evening feeling sick after seeing her husband emotionally embracing someone else.

Jamie Fraser. Bringin' Sexy Back since 1741.

SPOILER ALERT: Don't read unless you've blissfully floated to page 748 in VOYAGER.

Dear Diana Gabaldon, 
Thank you. Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou. For it is a most kind-hearted woman who will not only make Jamie Fraser nail us (I mean, Claire) - from behind - up against the berth on a stormy sea... but will also permit us (I mean, Claire) to wake up in a fresh bed in the Caribbean with a freshly bathed and nekkid James Alexander Malcolm MacKenzie Fraser who is sportin' wood and reciting the Our Father in Latin. 


Your most humble servant in Scottish awesomeness, 
Carol

Jamie -1, Claire - 0

SPOILER ALERT: Don't read unless you have read up to page 706 in VOYAGER.

Dear Claire, 

Why oh why do you insist on covering for Laoghbitch and her evil spawn, Marsali? (OK actually I kindof like Marsali but whatevs.) First you go through no less than three - count 'em - THREE novels without telling Jamie L'oaghaire sent you to Geillis' house to be hung by the masses. (Well - I'm not finished Voyager so maybe you'll surprise me and tell him by the end?) And now Marsali leaves the cargo hold - which causes you to run after her, fight with the "obese" pirate, and almost get yourself killed in the process. And when Jamie chastises you for it, you say NOTHING to defend yourself. What up wit dat? 

Please remedy this situation directly. 

Sincerely, 

Carol, your ever-loving servant in Jamie worship. 

PS - I thought it was mean when Jamie said this to you:

"Ye know, I seldom wanted to go home to Laoghaire.... and yet, at least when I did, I'd find her where I'd left her." 

Well - LA DEE DA, Jamie. Aren't you just a ray of motherfrickin sunshine? How's about you shut the ^%$# up and get me some Penicillin,  mmmmkayyyyy?

Caribbean Queen

SPOILER ALERT: Do not read unless you have gotten to page 635 (I Meet a Priest) in VOYAGER.

I don't like when Claire is alone. Well - alone with whatever odd character du jour she's hanging with today. She's trekking around the marshes on one of the islands...  after having escaped from The Porpoise. On the one hand, I'm thinking it was a ridiculous mistake on her part - to leave a ship she knew would arrive at the correct destination; Jamaica. I mean, why didn't she just stick it out - get there - and escape once there? Then again - there is that matter of sticking it out. Um, Y-U-C-K!!!! As a parent, you deal with sick kids with gross substances coming from multiple orifices. But a ship full of wreaking slime and goo? OMG I would die. Doctor or not. Just throw me the hell overboard because I would never make it.

I miss Jamie. And I'm upset because he must be out of his mind with worry. And worse than that, he's got to be blaming himself and doubting his manhood for losing Claire AND wee Ian (who is no so wee anymore) - and that I canna handle.

I have to assume Claire is going to get on a boat and get herself to Jamaica - and maybe even find Jamie on the seas before they get there.

BUT - here is theory I came up with that would ROCK MY EVER LOVING WORLD, people. Listen up:

How cool would it be if Roger and Brianna did research - found out that Jamie got arrested upon arriving in Jamaica - and subsequently got hanged.... and got themselves to the stone circle and came over soon after Claire did - in order to save him??? How cool would it be if Jamie was on the Artemis - saw a boat approaching - and when it got close enough to see who was on board, he saw a woman with long, firey red hair... and fainted AGAIN! OK so he wouldn't have to faint again - but my GOD  it would be a cool way to get Brianna and Jamie together, no?

What are your thoughts, Sassenaches?

What a tangled web we weave...

SPOILER ALERT: Do not read unless you have finished chapter 38 in VOYAGER. 

Ho. Ly. COW BATMAN!!!! Didn't see Laoghaire coming!!!  I knew Jamie was probably marrit. But I thought it was going to be Mary McNabb. Not the WEE HO!!!!!!  I canna BELIEVE what I just read. God I canna STAND her.

You know - I was angry in Outlander when Claire didn't tell Jamie Laoghaire was the one who sent her to Geillis' house. I thought we deserved that; I thought we had earned it. But now that I'm past the Laoghaire business - and she STILL hasn't told him - I don't know what to DO with myself! If she had told him in the FIRST place - he would have HATED the wee ho. And he never, EVER would have MARRIT HER!!!!!!

I had a conference call with my sister Tracey and my friend Jenn M yesterday... as we seem to do a lot on Sundays since being bitten by the Outlander bug. And we discussed Jamie being married to the wee ho. And Tracey is usually the one who can't see any wrongdoing where Jamie is concerned. But this time around I was the one who didn't have a problem with him. He didn't know how evil she is, or he never would have marrit her. And as for not telling Claire... I dunno... I think he was absolutely terrified of Claire leaving - so much so that he kept his mouth shut for the time being. I think he knew he'd have to tell her eventually, but maybe he figured if he could just get her to Lallybroch, knowing how much she loved it there, she'd accept it more readily. I just canna fault the guy for making a bonehead move in such an extraordinary circumstance.

And do I want someone to kick Laoghaire's big fat arse for making Jamie pay her all that money when she SHOT him and doesn't deserve a penny???

Weeeel... yes Sassenach.. yes I do.

Fatherhood

SPOILER ALERT: Don't read unless you've gotten to the first pages of chapter 26 in Voyager.

I love that Claire asked Jamie if he minded that she let Brianna pierce her ears. At first, when I read that, I thought "Well that's a little strange. It's such a nothing thing. Why would she ask him that?" but then the more I thought about it, the more I understood. She's his daughter. And she altered her body. He should have a "say". And he didn't get one for all those years. Men always have something to say about their daughters and what they do with themselves... or what they wear, don't they? I remember being a kid and my mother saying "take that off! Your father would have a heart attack if he saw you wearing that in public!" about a skimpy bikini I was trying on in a dressing room. Needless to say, I didn't buy said bikini.  And I am pathetic. Claire is not back 30 seconds and I want Brianna there. I want Jamie to hold his daughter and breathe her in.... and know that he did something absolutely fantastic in his life. The pictures Claire showed him are wonderful (possibly my favorite scene in the books so far) but they're not her. I need him to be with her and see her and watch her move and watch her eat and watch her sleep. That's what a parent does... and after all he's been through, I need Jamie to have that.

My prediction is this: Brianna and Roger will come. I don't know how - but they will come. I'm thinking there has to be some urgent reason that will force them to come... and I am trying to conjure one up. The only thing I've come up with so far is that the police show up at Craigh na Dun right after Claire goes through... and they think Roger and Brianna have something to do with Geillis' husband's death... so they jump through... and make their way to Edinburgh. That - ladies and gents - is what I have come up with so far as far as possible theories go. Not really a prediction, as I am not yet ready to fully commit to the theory. Just... a possibility...

*Thanks to Loosetooth.com for the photo. You can buy it - and others. Check them out!

MINE EYES HAVE SEEN THE GLORY!

SPOILER ALERT: DO NOT read unless you have gotten at least 4 pages into Chapter 24 in Voyager.

OK so when your sister says, "When you get to a certain part - and you'll know you're there when you see it - make sure there are no kids or husbands or distractions around while you're reading"... um, DO AS SHE SAYS!!!  So I'm there... in the SCHOOL PARKING LOT...with my coffee and my Lifescapes Scottish Moors CD... and my son (Ian) is happy in the back seat with Alvin and the Chipmunks playing on the DVD player.... and Claire walks up to the stones and sees Bree. And I start losing my shizzle. And then Claire walks through the stones... and Shannon (who is currently reading Dragonfly in Amber) knocks on my car window... and I'm in tears. And I'm all "no worries... it's all good!" and I'm dying inside.

Now right then and there I should have known to SHUT THE DAMN BOOK. But noooooo. I just "have to know". All my life... I've "had to know". So - I keep reading... and what happens, but Claire walks into the printer... and sweet as you please... THERE'S JAMIE. No pomp. No circumstance. Just Jamie Jamie and more MFing Jamie. And my life is complete. Except for one thing. I can't weep for joy, because every mother in the parking lot would see me and come running over to see if I'm OK. And then Jenn M (who is only about 30 pages behind me) knocks on the window and I have to give the best poker face I've ever given and say "ohh Jenn. ohhhhhhh Jenn" and that's all I can get out of m'damn mouth.

Honestly, guys.... it was surreal. So... let's just say that I've learned my lesson. As soon as Claire whipped out the Bree photos I said "K....I'm done! Not reading again until tonight!" Let's just say I'll have a few hours to myself....and it will be magic. Sheer... unadulterated.... James Alexander Malcolm MacKenzie Fraser MOTHERFREAKIN MAGIC!!!!!!!!

le sigh....

Wee Gifties for Jamie Fraser

SPOILER ALERT: Don't read unless you're gotten to Chapter 19 on VOYAGER.

At this point, we don't know if Claire is going back... but we're pretty damn sure she is. So - I have a question. If you were Claire, what small 20th century items would you bring to Jamie in the 18th century? Obviously nothing too big...or too heavy... and nothing too perishable.

I would bring:

- My favorite candy
- A current day Scottish newspaper (after editing its contents so as not to freak him out.)
- Photos of current day Scotland (again - nothing that will freak him out.)
- Packets of seeds for fruits and vegetables they don't yet grow in Scotland
- A Hostess Twinkie. Kidding - but we all know it would last for years...

Send in some comments; I'd love to hear them!

How quickly we forget...

SPOILER ALERT: Don't read unless you have reached chapter 6 in Voyager.

"Never," he whispered to me. "Never. Never another but me! Look at me! Tell me! Look at me, Claire!" .... "Never, he said, more softly, "For you are mine. My wife, my heart, my soul." ...."Never," he whispered to me, face only inches from mine....

"Never," I said, and turned my head, closing my eyes to escape the intensity of his gaze.

Really? Really, Claire? "Never"??  Well you sure as shit could have fooled me when it's not even a year after you left... and you're already feeding Frank a La Leche cocktail and riding the waves of the storm on the floor of your daughter's - JAMIE'S daughter's - nursery.

MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE CAVE....

It's SEVEN YEARS LATER and Poor Jamie is living like Osama Bin Fraser, hiding out, only going out at night and shaving once a month. That man loves his good shave! And he has only mentioned Claire's name ONCE in 7 years. He can't even THINK about being with another woman. And yet there she is... on the floor of the nursery with Frank. Or was. SIX YEARS AGO.

"all the promises we break from the cradle to the grave and all I want is you."  ~U2

My god, my god.. why have you forsaken me?

SPOILER ALERT: Do not read unless you have finished Dragonfly in Amber... and peeked at the first few pages of Voyager. 

This post is FULL OF SPECULATION. Keep that in mind.

So Friday night was tough. I finished Dragonfly in Amber... but not without a good cry. Or five.

I called my Outlander mentor and biological sister, Tracey, when I finished...  and lamented for a good 90 minutes about everything I've read so far. Outlander... Dragonfly in Amber... Claire going through the stones... and Claire coming back through the stones.  Claire nursing Jamie's hurt shoulder... and Claire nursing Jamie's not-so-hurt manhood. Rupert. Murtaugh. Dougal and Colum. All of them. We talked and talked and talked. And when I got to the part about Claire and Jamie's last night in the cottage together... I pretty much lost it. Who wouldn't? When he said he'd spend 200 years in Purgatory and find her eventually? I thought I might fall right off the couch from convulsing whilst crying. (And yeah... I thought it gave my blog title some sick validation... but that's not important right now.)

I felt like everything was tied up nicely... and made perfect sense. I felt like Jamie did and said all he need to... as did Claire... and I wouldn't have done anything differently. Even going back through the stones. Don't get me wrong - my first impression was "wasn't there any other way?!" but I truly believed there wasn't - as did Claire and Jamie - and I was content in knowing they did what they had to do.

UNTIL JAMES ALEXANDER MALCOM MACKENZIE FRASER'S DEAD ASS WOKE UP ON CULLODEN AND (for the most part) SAID TO HIMSELF "WHAT THE F%$# DID I DO???????"

Then... all bets were off. That's where I am. AND I AM PISSED. Because I know... I KNOW what is coming. Jack Randall is dead. And I KNOW Red James Fraser's ass is going to go and marry Mary Hawkins and raise JACK MOTHERHUMPING RANDALL'S would-be child as his own. (We all know it's Alexander Randall's child, but work with me here, People. Mmmmkay? Thanks.) And I cannot take it. I CANNA TAKE IT, SASSENACH!!!  I know I am going to have to endure AN ENTIRE FRIGGIN DIANA GABALDON NOVEL'S WORTH of Claire trying to get back to Jamie... and Jamie DOING ANOTHER WOMAN. And I am none too happy. I suppose it's only fair since Claire was married to Frank all those years... but that doesn't really matter, does it lassies? No. It does NOT. As usual, Claire will have been doing what Claire needed to do. And Jamie? JAMIE! I am LIVID at him and he hasn't even done anything yet.

But I know it's coming.

And her 50 year old ass had BETTER MAKE IT BACK TO 18TH CENTURY SCOTLAND by the end of this book. That is ALL I have to say.

MMMPPPPPMMMMMHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

PS - Italy reunion between Edward and Bella where Edward thinks he's in heaven in New Moon.... and Jamie waking on Culloden in Voyager and wondering if he's in heaven or hell. Similar? Um, YEAH.